The nap took me

I've been sleeping a lot. Not proud of it, but sleep makes life a lot better. What would I do with my life if I never had to sleep? I could study and read and do so many other things. But the transition from having lots of sleep to no sleep, little time to lots of time… I don't know how I would handle it. I'll think about it. Maybe write up my own little story on life without sleep.

A pain like loss or guilt can be dragging, dull, numbing, and constantly present -- but somehow takes you out of the present; into the realm of the past or the fear of the future. Anger and heartache can be a sharp, stabbing pain that demands your attention and sucks you into the here and now. Which is worse? Retrospectively or prospectively the dragging pain seems so much worse. Unfortunately, pain is endured presently.

I should blog more this year.

Procrastination and Tea

This is reminiscent of my freshman year of college, but I am enjoying green tea whilst attempting to study. I have been trying to "study" for days but have barely gotten through one lecture slide. Instead, I read blogs and articles and random journal entries.

I've been going back to read a lot of my more recent journal entries. My emotions are so untamed. My thoughts don't make any sense to me anymore. I keep changing. I know a person's thoughts and life are dynamic, but mine just seem - sporadic. The person I am today can barely recognize or even empathize with the girl who wrote those entries last year.

My memory is atrocious as well. Sometimes I feel that if I don't write things down, I really forget them. Like really forget. I forget how I feel. I forget how to feel. I forget that I have felt. That I have ever felt any important emotions at all. Or maybe it's best to let go of everything once important. Because they're obviously not anymore. Life moves on whether I feel or not. It moves on whether smile or frown. So I smile.

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Did I mention there is a snowstorm? I locked myself out of my room this morning, my faucet is leaking, and I can't find the courage to leave my apartment complex to get coffee. I would have preferred coffee because I didn't sleep too well last night. But tea is a good substitute.

I used to think that I would become someone when I grew up. Not a president, ruler, millionaire or anything like that (although those thoughts have crossed my mind) - but a person. Someone. Anyone. I thought I would always grow and develop and become. I didn't think that people could stagger, degrade, revert or whatever.

Growth. I always thought that meant growing bigger and taller. Moving and going places. Becoming something, someone, anything. I thought people feared change, the different and unknown. I never imagined the familiar, the static and the echoes could be so terrifying. And I guess they're not. Not at all.

It's actually a little sad. A little hollow. A little empty. A little familiar.

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I write these things because I want to write something, but I'm actually content. I'm not sad or miserable and nothing is really wrong. It's Thanksgiving break. That seems about right.