weighed down my life again

I constantly revert to my idle self. I avoid all responsibilities, including school, career, friends... I even avoid paying bills. When will I stop feeling compelled to do this? To do nothing?

I'm not unhappy. I feel much more productive when I feel some sort of strong emotion. I'm stupid when I'm miserable but I feel much more alive then. I think I prefer this stale state, but I'm not sure these months are being lived at all.

Is it okay to look back at your days, weeks, months and years and see nothing? Nothing to reflect on, nothing to grow from, nothing at all.

I waste my life watching reruns and I don't even remember the episodes.

an update from class

Dear reader (Deb),

I'm in this Chemical Literature class listening to some lecture about volumes and issues and completely irrelevant mind-numbing (non)information.

I wish I wrote more. I bought a new journal for 2012 but I rarely write in it now. I never update my blog either. I wonder how I managed to write daily in high school. Look at my archive. The updates have decreased exponentially throughout the years. Has my life become so dull? It was never that interesting to begin with, so that can't be the reason.

~

One month to graduation (assuming I pass my finals). What to do after? I am going to "travel" for a bit so I can avoid the "real" world for awhile more. And then I work and decline into total failure and live in boredom until I mentally and physically decay into nothing.

And something might happen in between.

I'm still alive

I am here.

I have been skimming by my undergraduate life, trying to graduate on time and all of that...
Starting online projects, blogs, and random things...
Not really ready to grow up or do anything useful yet...

Maybe I'll post a real update during Christmas break. Maybe I'll even post pictures. Maybe.

deb, this summer

I have to do a service project for this scholarship thing. Let's do good things together!
And I'm really looking forward to hanging out with you.

I don't think I like how much I've changed since college. It isn't that I had much substance to lose in the first place, but I don't think I've progressed. Just the opposite actually. Not in all areas - but nearly three years spent without anything worth mentioning. Am I living or just slowly deteriorating? If I have to question it... I should probably get up and make some changes. Rock the my world a little.

update summary

I went home for Chinese New Years and went to a temple with my mom. =)
The people were very nice and the food was delicious. Best vegetarian food in the world. I actually went to two different temples on Sunday. One was new and had very few people attending and helping out. The other one was very popular and had 821038203 million people helping. I really wish people would consider helping out at the temple that needs the help instead of the popular one where they can meet lots of friends and get a lot of attention. I feel sorry for the monk at that cold, unpopular temple. I think I want to help.

Fernando Torres moved from Liverpool to rival team Chelsea and I am mad. =(
Why didn't you go back to Spain, Nando? Anywhere else would be fine. Why would you leave us to join the rival club? On the bright side, Chelsea paid a lot of money for him. Torres is like the most expensive player in England now.


Nando lost his first game against Liverpool. =)
Well deserved.

Steelers lost to Packers. =)

I have a 10 page lab report to write tonight. =(

I have not been on Skype. =(
I have no excuses. I'm sorry.

I regained all the weight I loss over the Summer. =(
Salads. Eat salads.

First Post of 2011

I have been slacking. I miss you, Deb. I don't feel like leaving the house to meet anyone but you. I wish you were here so we could get coffee and chocolate and talk and pretend we are making a difference and changing the world. I like to live in that little bubble downtown. I am so comfortable hanging out with you. Doing other things is just troublesome. It's too cold to go anywhere. Sometimes I think I'm lonely - but I realize I don't like hanging out with people at all.

I hate resolutions because I never fulfill them. I want to write more, get better grades and lose weight. I say that every year but every year I repeat myself. What is the point? This year, I set no goals for myself. I want nothing. Just let me live my life the way I have always lived. Don't take anything I have away. That is all.

Debbie, come back early. Finish school quickly and hurry back. Bring my happy thing.

i don't know what to write

I don't think I am a very honest person. I never tell myself the truth.

I looked through an old box in my room today and found some things I've forgotten, including some photos and a Tamagotchi. I don't know what to do with these things. I don't know if they're worth anything to me anymore.

@Debbie: Julia, Nia, Brit and I hung out yesterday. Wish you could have been there! We ate at Little Pete's, went to that old German Christmas hut/area, watched the light show at Macy's and went to Lush for hand treatments. Miss you. It isn't the same without you.

I am always waiting (and I am sick of it)

I am procrastinating again. I am not giving my best. I don't have the willpower. I just want to fast forward to the future, but I'm afraid to look.

my joy.

peter pan, are you there? we can be friends now

I've been talking to people in my sleep. I am not sure with whom I have been having these conversations, but I've had them. I didn't even know I had been dreaming until now. Heck, I don't know if I ever was dreaming. I just feel like I've been talking to someone about various topics I can barely remember. I've had no one to talk to, so it mustn't be real. Though maybe I never even had those dreams. I often make up scenarios and conversations in my mind, so maybe it's all in my head. Not even in an alternate dreamland. Just my mind. I may need someone to talk to, but I don't have anything to say. There is nothing to contribute, to connect and nothing to inform. How do you show someone something that isn't there? I want to wake up.

that time of the year again

I have to return to school in less than two weeks and I'm getting that nervous, anxious feeling in my stomach again. You know, that feeling that makes me feel like a total failure. Yea, that one. I'll get over it once I get to SC.

By time anger is calmed, happiness dwindled and sadness cured. But guilt never lifts. Not until it's over. I say it's the worst thing to feel. So cheer up, sad one. Yes, you.

consequences will never be the same

1. "Jessi Slaughter" is an eleven-year-old vlogger who attracted a lot of haters. She somehow caught the attention of 4Chan.org members. People got together to publish her personal information online and played pranks on her. She got unordered pizzas, threats, etc. Cyber bullying makes me really angry sometimes. But then I think, China and North Korea don't have that problem, do they? Personal responsibility is a price to pay.

2. It really irks me when someone forces me to accept that a story is "100% accurate" when it is a second or third-hand account. What I see for myself is doubtful enough. Why should I believe that any story is 100% accurate without any mistake or misrepresentation? Even the way a story is told changes everything. Just because you are not lying does not mean you are telling the truth.

Chocolate Cheerios

Chocolate cheerios taste similar to cocoa puffs but are a lot healthier for you. They're about 100 calories for 3/4 a cup. I like them a lot. I think I will buy a box for college. I ate a lot today and am not proud of it. I have not done anything lately and it makes me sad. Every Summer I tell myself that I will do something extraordinary but I just sit and rot with the flies. I am not getting any younger. I get less successful and closer to death every minute. It just makes me want more chocolatey things.

I am always dying: every minute of my life. I guess that is the joy of life.

Zinedine Zidane

 

I know he is retired, but I like Zizou so much that I am dedicating today to him. I didn't care so much for today's teams: Germany, England, Argentina, Mexico. I am glad that England went down with us (except our lost wasn't quite as embarrassing), but I do pity Steven Gerrard. I think it is his first time being captain in the world cup. *sadface* There is always a spot for you in Real Madrid with Xabi.

I am getting really anxious for Spain's game on Tuesday. I hear that Spain is predicted to win, but you never know. Spain has never done well in the world cup. Neither has Portugal, I guess. I wonder how Spain and Portugal are ranked second and third, respectively. I am sorry Cristiano Ronaldo, but Spain must win this one. Brazil, Germany, Argentina and even Uruguay have won enough cups. I am afraid that one of them will win again. Honestly, I think I am fine with any other country winning. Except maybe Ghana. That still stings.

i want to blog today

I am determined to leave my house tomorrow. Today, I must read something or my brain will melt into my skull. Television is not good for the mind.

.edit// Haven't read yet, but I will. So far, I ate cereal while watching TV. I ate so much cereal, just straight out of the box. ): I think that is a strange sad face. This appears to be a normal face :( but ): is just so strange.

@Deb Send those books to my psu or google email. Did you know that you have your very own blog label? When I say those books, I mean everything you have.

twenty years old

It's quite alarming to realize that I am turning twenty in a few weeks. I feel like I have been a teenager for so long that I can't quite grasp the concept of being in the twenties. It's a little early to worry about, I know, but I still worry. A few days ago, my mother told me that I should start taking care of my skin. Here I am still dealing with acne and my mother tells me to prevent fine lines and wrinkles. I feel so overwhelmed. It's not the skincare or aging part that concerns me, but the growing up part. I feel useless and unprepared. I am nothing that my mother was at my age. I'm afraid that I won't become all the things that I had hoped to become. I used to throw out promises of a bright, great future because reality was so far away and anything was possible. Now it's approaching rapidly and here I am, lying in an unmade bed with nothing planned. I may not become anything at all. I may not be successful; I may not even find a job. It's scary to think that in less than ten years, I will have to consider building my own family.

I don't actively think about these thoughts on a daily basis, but they're always in the back of my mind. I feel like I am wasting my summer because I should be working towards my future. While I spend my day lying in bed, I tell myself that I should not relax. The truth of the matter is that I am never relaxed because even when doing nothing, I worry about something -- or nothing.

june: month of contradiction

For the month of June, my plan is to write down my thoughts and then contradict them. I'll be too lazy to follow through with that. See? It is working already. I could go on and on.

one week

It's scary to think that I will be done with my second year in one week. I am excited for summer, but I am so nervous about the finals. I am too "stressed" to study. =( I am going to get my life back together this summer: work out, eat right, write, read etc.

What if people normally run instead of walk? When you are out in the street, you see everyone running. You see someone walk and you have to slow down to ask, "Hey, what's with the slow walking?" And maybe the person will say something like, "I'm so early for work that I have to walk." Then you think to yourself that you have not walked in so long and you will try to fit in some time for walking this week.

No Work on a Sprained Ankle

This weekend, I sprained my ankle and got no work done. I am miserably behind on all my school work. I still get irritated by people. And so my life is average.

I also skipped a day of work last week out of sheer tiredness and depression from taking the Orgo Chem quiz. I am working in an Earth Science lab. I play with ice core samples and measure their methane levels for paleoclimate records. I am still struggling with wrenches and screwdriver like things. I should tell Moon these things.

people remind me of quiet time

Being alone makes me forget that I like being alone; being lonely makes me remember.

I think I am going through people withdrawal again. The thought of people is pissing me off. I am purposely turning humans around me into antagonistic characters. It isn't even that difficult. All I have to do is look at people from a different perspective. The moodiness helps.

People are so flawed. Just think about all the horrible things a good, kind, honest person is capable of doing. Think about it. It makes me angry.

Penn State Tomorrow

I am going back to school tomorrow. I haven't felt anything up until today. Now I'm nervous, sad and a whole bunch of other things. I look back and wonder what I've done all summer. I regret not spending more time with some friends, with family, etc. I want to finish this whole leaving process. The night before I leave is always the worst part. I miss college, but this day is so difficult.